Norman Chad, the Couch Slouch, has been watching the NCAA tournament with great interest. Front and center in CBS' broadcasts is Clark Kellogg, who replaced Billy Packer as the network's No. 1 analyst. But, as Chad notes, translating what Kellogg says is a monumental task.
He writes that Kellogg is "one part Dick Vitale, one part Bill Raftery and two parts toxic spill. Like many of his analytical ancestors, Kellogg speaks an alternate language. The lane is 'the paint,' the basket is 'the rack,' the foul line is 'the charity stripe.' Players don't just rebound, they either are 'banging the glass' or 'cleaning up a missed shot.'
"For Kellogg, the shortest distance between two points is a circumlocutious statement. He favors multisyllabic words, like 'perimeter' and 'interior' and 'circumlocutious'; heck, he's got to love 'multisyllabic' because, well, it's multisyllabic.
"In short, Kellogg butchers English, obfuscates the obvious and makes simple points seem elaborate — all for our entertainment value! Frankly, he might call himself a 'mangled linguistic savant.' "
Chad has several examples and follows by breaking down what Kellogg is trying to say: " 'The speed and length of LSU has really caught Butler off-guard.' LSU is faster and taller than Butler."
" 'Both teams so hungry to win this game that they are just a tad off offensively in terms of the shot-making here.' Uh, neither team is shooting well."
" 'They're leaving a lot of cheese up there.' Those are missed free throws, my friends."
" 'The little fella making a lot of music from beyond the three-point line.' Short guy shooting well from long distance. Or composing songs, I suppose."
" 'You get to the buffet line like that, typically you are going to find something you like.' Believe it or not, this regards second-chance shots."
" 'At this point of the season, it's more about execution than about experience.' For me, it's more about the mute button."
Chad missed the most obvious Kellogg-ism - the somewhat porn-related "spurtability" term that he uses to describe teams that can put points on the board in a hurry.
Posted by: Will | March 27, 2009 at 06:44 AM